Wedding Ceremony - Felicia and Frank

I had the distinct honor this past weekend of officiating at the wedding of two dear friends, Felicia and Frank. Ministers of Music don't get to do this as often as senior pastors, so it took a good deal of work to get myself comfortable with the words I would use for the service. The last wedding I officiated was around 10 years ago. From the "for what it's worth" department, here are the notes that I followed for the service:

Gathering Words
Dearly beloved, we have come together - families and friends - in the presence of God to uphold Frank and Felicia as they make their vows of marriage. We celebrate with them the love they have discovered in each other, and we support their decision to commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives.
Marriage is a holy estate born in the love of God. It is a relationship entered into thoughtfully, reverently, with gratitude for the past and hope for the future. In the tradition of our faith, we believe God calls a man and a woman to leave the homes of their childhood to become, together, a new family.

Prayer
Because the vows they are about to exchange require of them more than they have the strength to give and offer them more than they have the grace to receive, would you please join me as we lift them up to the Father in prayer.
Almighty God, this whole marriage thing was Your idea, and for that we give you thanks and praise. We have seen Your hand in the love that has grown between Felicia and Frank. For that also we give you thanks and praise. We have come to this place as a community to share in the celebration as they begin their life together as husband and wife. We ask Your blessing on them … and we give ourselves to them as family and friends to support and encourage them on the way. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Charge to the Couple
Frank and Felicia, I call to your attention the seriousness of the decision with you have made and the covenant you are about to declare before God and these guests. Be very clear that your marriage is dependent upon your willingness to be faithful to each other and faithful to your understanding of God’s will for you. Constant and continuous obedience to your vow will result in a marriage which will be blessed, a home which will be a place of peace, and a relationship in which you will both grow in love.

Declaration of Intention
Frank, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, keep you only unto her, so long as you both shall live?
Felicia, will you have this man to be your wedded husband, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?

Presentation of the Bride
Who gives this woman to be married to this man?

Pastoral Reflection
As we talked about scriptures appropriate for weddings in the days and weeks leading up to today, one of the passages we looked at was Paul’s instructions to members of the church at Ephesus found in Ephesians 5 beginning in verse 21. We looked at this passage in several different translations, and found Eugene Peterson’s translation particularly meaningful. Hear now the word of God:

21Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Some people read those verses and misinterpret them to mean that the husband has a right to dominate his wife, and to boss her around. History tells us that in the time and place of the writing of this letter, women were little more than the property of the head of the household (which was always a man). But a study of church history reveals that in the first century church, the followers of Jesus Christ were coming to value the nature and role of womanhood quite differently than the patriarchal cultures of the day. In another of his letters, the Apostle Paul wrote that in Christ there is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, slave nor free. In other words, the value or position of a person is not determined by race, gender, or social position.
But it still says here that the wives are to submit to their husbands. Does it really mean that? I don’t have a daughter, but I can imagine a father hearing the word “submit” and thinking “no daughter of mine is going to be a doormat under some guy’s feet.” And he would be 100% right to say so. I think it really does mean submit, but only in the full context of this part of the letter. Far too often, Ephesians 5:21-24 is read without moving on to verses 25-28.
Verse 24 says that a wife should submit to her husband as he exercises Christ-like leadership for her. (Notice that I said for her, not over her). Christ-like leadership is a leadership marked by sacrifice. I like the way Peterson paraphrased it:

25-28a Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church — a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

That paints a completely different picture, doesn’t it? Submission to a domineering, selfish, overbearing, insensitive jerk is not what the Bible commands. Felicia, you are to submit to Frank’s leadership; but Frank, your leadership is only worthy of her submission when it is marked by sacrificial love for her.

29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

This is the word of God for the people of God. Thanks be to God.

Our senior pastor has several words of advice that he usually shares in weddings. If you have attended weddings he has done, you may remember some of them. They are memorable and true.

“A good marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.” OR “There are three very important words that you need to remember in order to help preserve harmony in your home. These aren’t the only words, but these are very important ones … and they are not “I love you” or ‘I am sorry’ or ‘let’s eat out’. The three very important words are ‘I was wrong.’” I find that the more often I use those words in my marriage, the easier it is to find harmony restored. Those are true statements and easy to remember … and I’m grateful to Blake for letting me borrow them.

To those I have but a couple to add (and I’ll be brief). The first is a statement of wisdom that came to me from my great-grandmother, through my grandmother, through my mother a little over 20 years ago as Dawn and I were looking forward to our wedding day. She was not the first to think it, or even the first to say it. You may have heard it said like this: “If two people agree on everything, one of them is not thinking.” You are both very intelligent people, and you think about things and wrestle with ideas … individually and together. [That’s one of the reasons I enjoy our friendship.] People who are using their brains will sometimes come to different conclusions about ideas.

“If two people agree on everything, one of them is not thinking.” That is also a true statement, but I like the way my great-grandmother put it even better: “If two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary.” When you disagree, look at it as a sign that each of you is a necessary part of the other’s life … a sign that you belong. And remember that the only situation in which there is no conflict is when nobody cares.

The second word of advice is one that I shared with you in our last counseling session this past Sunday afternoon. My advice to you is to learn a paradoxical selfishness … a selfishness that manifests itself in unselfishness. Felicia, you must want for yourself the best husband that Frank can possibly be, understanding that the only way he can be that for you is for you to give him the best wife that you can be. The same is true for you, Frank. You must want for yourself the best wife that Felicia can be, understanding that the only way she can be that for you is if you give her the best husband that you can be.

Exchange of Vows
I, Frank, take you, Felicia // to be my wife; // to laugh with you in joy; // to grieve with you in sorrow; // to grow with you in love. // I give myself as I am // and as I will be, // and I do it for all of life.
I, Felicia, take you, Frank // to be my husband; // to laugh with you in joy; // to grieve with you in sorrow; // to grow with you in love. // I give myself as I am // and as I will be, // and I do it for all of life.

Exchange of Rings
The giving and receiving of rings to seal covenants is a time-honored tradition. The rings will be a sign to others and a reminder to you of the promises you have just made to each other. May the untarnished gold remind you that your love for each other is to be pure. As a circle has no beginning or end, may the shape of the rings also remind you that your love for each other is to be nurtured from now on.

[Frank] Felicia, as a symbol of my love for you // and my commitment to you throughout our lives, // I give you this ring, // [in the name of the Father, // and of the Son, // and of the Holy Spirit].

[Felicia] Frank, as a symbol of my love for you // and my commitment to you throughout our lives, // I give you this ring, // [in the name of the Father, // and of the Son, // and of the Holy Spirit].

Prayer

Pronouncement of Marriage
Forasmuch as Frank and Felicia have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and have pledged their faith to each other, and have declared the same by joining hands and by giving and receiving rings; I pronounce that they are husband and wife together, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one separate. Amen.

Frank, you may kiss your bride.

Blessing
May the love you hold for each other, now sealed in marriage, continue to mature, that your life together may be a source of strength and inspiration to the community of your family and to the wider circle of the world.

Presentation of the Couple