Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Stuff That Destroys Personal Peace

Boggarts existed in British folklore long before author J. K. Rowling, gave her own interpretation to them. In the Harry Potter world, boggarts manifest themselves as the thing feared most by the one tormented. To deal with a boggart, one should transform the manifestation into something silly, thus removing the fear.

Though boggarts are mythical, some of us move through life unnecessarily afraid of many things that will never happen and should have no power over us. E-mail and the internet have turned well-meaning, nice people into accidental fear mongers. Rowling’s solution for boggarts is a healthy way to deal with the unreasonable fears that may arise at reading some of this tripe. See it for what it really is and it loses its power.

In the spirit of laughing at fear, a friend sent me this earlier this week. Laugh, that the destroyers of peace may be destroyed:
As we progress toward the year 2011, I want to thank all of the Internet for the educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a restroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat feces in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you all I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans (but they really do support Planned Parenthood).

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed-Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you all I can't use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up the coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

Though Rowling’s solution for the boggarts is effective in the stories, the most effective solution for fear is truth. Jesus said that His followers would know the truth, and that the truth would set us free. So here’s the truth from the word of God:

But now, this is what the LORD says …: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” (from Isaiah 43:1)

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35, 37-39)

That’s enough to think about for now. The peace of Christ to you.


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